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Do we depend too much on our kids? Kari Patterson Simple Homeschool

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Do we depend too much on our kids? ~ Written by Kari Patterson

The wording might sound weird, but the idea resonates with me deeply: Once your child’s a teen, you’re no longer the star of the show.

You might be thinking, Star of the show? What show?

My daughter Heidi (15) is in youth theater and we have a running joke that I keep waiting for the artistic team to call and ask me to play some lead role. Come on, I can totally be Elsa! Give me a chance!

Yeah not happening. I had my season on the stage. I now work backstage, and I love it! It’s my children’s time to shine.

Most moms I know aren’t looking for a spotlight (and I’m not saying parents literally shouldn’t be on stages), I just mean that life really isn’t about me anymore.

Of course this starts from day one as parents. We mamas give up our bodies, time, sleep, energy, we set ourselves aside over and over as our little ones grow up.

But sometimes, we might miss the memo that this not-about-me aspect of parenthood only increases as they grow older.

And if we don’t wrap our minds around this and establish our own well-being, secure identity, and mental health, we can dangerously depend on our children or inadvertently make their journeys too much our own.

Do we depend too much on our kids?

Let’s consider how this can play out in our lives and our children’s.

Do we depend too much on our kids for SIGNIFICANCE?

For those hungry for significance, we can easily look to our children’s world to establish our own worth.

This begins early! If our toddler tantrums in public we’re wrecked emotionally, angry and embarrassed. A healthy pride over our child’s accomplishments can grow into increasing pressure placed on them to perform, because we see their success as ours.

As they grow, we can make their endeavors about our own pursuits.

Do we lean on our kids for SECURITY?

For those hungry for security, we can subtly use our children to give us emotional comfort and support.

Perhaps all introverts can identify with how helpful it is to have a child to “hide behind” in social settings. No shame in that, it can certainly make parties easier.

But as they grow, we can become unhealthily dependent on them, especially if our adult relationships are problematic.

Both of these place a pressure on children they were never meant to bear. Children were never intended to be our source of significance or security, and though they might never be able to articulate it, the result of having to shoulder that ill-fitting burden often ends in resentment.

So how do we avoid this? Asking ourselves a few questions can help.

For the little years:

Do I get angry and resentful when my child’s behavior interrupts my day or causes me discomfort?
Do I display these feelings in such a way that my child feels responsible for my own emotional state?
Am I modeling emotional regulation or am I sending the message that my child has the power to make or break my day?
Do I overly depend on having my child with me as a sort of social security blanket?

For the middle years:

Have I over-booked my child’s life with activities that he or she may not actually want to do?
Are there any ways that I’m demanding my child go a certain route because it’s what pleases me most?
If I am involved in coaching or leading these activities, am I making the activity too much about me?

For the teen years: 

Am I pushing my child OR holding back my child because of my own emotional needs?
Am I pushing them out of panic that they might not be doing as well as I wish?
Or am I holding them back because “I’m not ready” for whatever is next in their life?
Do I have an unhealthy emotional dependence on them?
Am I expecting them to meet a relational need that should be met through a spouse or friend?

While I’m not to the grown years yet, all of these things pave the way for a healthy launch into independence and adulthood for our kids. Our children should feel the freedom to fly the coop and establish their own lives in adulthood without worrying about whether we’ll be okay without them.

Simply put: They cannot fly freely with the weight of our needs around their necks.

Friends, I’m working on this too. Let’s enjoy our children thoroughly without depending on them for our significance and security. For their good. And our own.

What’s Your Homeschool Mom Personality? Take Jamie’s quiz now and receive a free personality report to help you organize your homeschool based on what your personality type needs most!

Do we depend too much on our kids? ~ Written by Kari Patterson The wording might sound weird, but the idea resonates with me deeply: Once your child’s a teen, you’re no longer the star of the show. You might be thinking, Star of the show? What show? My daughter Heidi (15) is in youth theater …  Read More inspiration Simple Homeschool 

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